


I Will Carry You With Me

by Lifeisahighway88



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29652918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lifeisahighway88/pseuds/Lifeisahighway88
Summary: Maddie looks down at the test in her hand, letting out a long steady stream of air through a small gap in her lips, a tool she often uses to calm her nerves when she can feel the anxiety starting to creep back in. There’s a lingering, familiar trauma now, an old wound picked open that she’s not yet healed from. Like all the other times, this pregnancy wasn’t planned. Not at all. Hell, she must be the most fertile woman on the planet.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 14
Kudos: 23





	I Will Carry You With Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaddieandChimney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/gifts).



_**Positive**_.

Two blue lines stare back at her as she picks up the indicator off of the bathroom counter. She knew it would be. She’d been nauseous for the better part of a week, unable to keep much of anything down, not even her favorite breakfast burrito. Maddie knows the signs well by now, this being her fourth pregnancy and all. She is excited... mostly, at the prospect of another little one running around beside Amelia, the almost two year old growing up with a little sister or brother not much behind her in age, similar to the way her and Daniel had been once upon a time. In another life. But there’s also guilt, for acknowledging that excitement after the last time, after the heartache that had accompanied the sudden unexpected loss of her and Chimney’s second child. Maddie tells herself to remain hopeful. That _this_ pregnancy will be a success. It has to be. She can’t bear another loss, but there’s an overwhelming urge to protect herself, and to ignore the joy that grows inside her at the thought of another little someone growing inside her too.

It’s been a little over five months since the miscarriage, having carried to nearly the end of her second trimester before the devastating news. It was an unexpected pregnancy, and Amelia had just celebrated her first birthday a few days before. They were shocked to say the least, but so incredibly happy. Not _unwanted_ , just unplanned, much like the first had been.

She knew something was wrong the moment she saw the look on her doctors face, glancing over to Chimney for confirmation. They both knew immediately. A routine checkup turned into tragedy when the ultrasound left Dr. Emerson searching high and low for a fetal heartbeat. _Undetected_ , she’d said, the only word Maddie could make out above the ringing of her ears, the tears falling immediately over the second baby she would never get to meet. The loss was a devastatingly painful blow for both her and Chimney, but while it was a brand new heartache for him, it was unfortunately an all too familiar heartache for Maddie. For the second time in her life, she was made to deliver a baby that she’d never get the chance to meet.

Maddie looks down at the test in her hand, letting out a long steady stream of air through a small gap in her lips, a tool she often uses to calm her nerves when she can feel the anxiety start to creep back in. There’s a lingering, familiar trauma now, an old wound picked open that has not yet fully healed. Like all the other times, this pregnancy wasn’t planned. Not at all. Hell, she must be the most fertile woman on the planet because she and Chimney had _just_ started having sex again barely a month and a half before, and only a few times at that, the all-consuming grief mostly stifling her drive to be intimate with the man she usually couldn’t get enough of.

A soft knock at the bathroom door stirs Maddie from her troubled thoughts, the gentle tap giving away its hesitancy. “Maddie?” Chimney’s voice is muffled on the other side of the door. “You’ve been in there a while. Everything okay? 'Melia and I are waiting for you to start the movie.”

She’s panicked, suddenly nervous and paranoid all at once, scared to tell her sweet, loving, overprotective, dad of the century fiancé that she is knocked up for the second time in less than a year. It’s been rough at times over the last few months, the two of them not knowing how to communicate with each other through all the sadness and grief. It’s not lost on her that this is not the first time she’s been extremely nervous to tell a significant other that she is carrying his child. Only this time, the reason for her nerves is completely different. It’s not fear _of_ him, it’s fear _for_ him. Fear that he won’t be happy about it at all. Fear that she will look into his eyes when she tells him the “good” news, and all she will see is sadness that hasn’t yet abated for the child they never got to know. Fear that she will taint this moment for him, for _them_ , and she so badly doesn’t want this moment to be tainted. She wants this baby to have the same beautiful beginning that the other two had gotten. But it’s too soon. She knows it’s too soon, yet here they are. She has to tell him. Rip the band aid clean off. One, two, three. 

Maddie opens the door slowly, coming face to face with a mildly concerned Chimney on the other side. “Are you ok?” He repeats with a frown, the worry in his voice growing when he sees the worried look reflected back at him in her eyes. She meets his gaze, the tears already starting to form, but she holds them back, determined to make it through the next moment or two without breaking down. She can do this. They deserve this new memory to be a joyous one filled with hope for the future, not a longing for what could have been. 

Chimney doubles down on his concern, “Hey, hey… Maddie, you’re scaring me… what’s going on?” Maddie steals a breath, throwing a tentative, forced smile on her face to try and ease the tension before she confesses.

“I’m pregnant."

And just like that, it’s out. 

Chimney stares at her silently, slightly startled for just a second, before he is eagerly wrapping his arms around her and holding her close, pulling back after a moment to look into her eyes once more. “You’re pregnant?” He’s a mixture of awe and confusion, a dumbstruck, lopsided grin plastered on his face as he takes it all in.

It takes everything in her not to burst into tears of relief at his reaction. “You’re not upset?” Maddie pouts with a wrinkled nose, sucking her bottom lip in between her teeth. “Are you sure? Because I know we didn’t talk about it, and I know it’s insanely soon to be doing this again after… well, after what happened, but…”

“No, of course I’m not upset!” he interrupts her taking both of her hands in his in an effort to try and calm the nervous jitters he sees her unsuccessfully attempting to quell.

She’s doesn’t let up, and now she’s starting to ramble, “I mean… I know it’s soon, and I know we haven’t even discussed the possibility of trying again, but… I’m… kind of excited? Is that okay?” She is spiraling, talking a mile a minute, “because I just wanted this to be special, ya know? When we finally decided to try again, _if_ we decided to try again, I wanted it to be something we were both ready for. And I want to be excited… but I’m nervous I’m not ready, that I’m not healed enough. That _we’re_ not healed enough. And I don’t want it to tear us apart further. I feel like lately all we do is bicker, and walk on egg shells around each other and- and I can’t- I don’t want this to break us apart- I don’t want…” she pauses to catch her breath, giving Chimney the briefest of opportunities to jump in.

“Hey… hey… Maddie, Maddie… shhh, breathe for me, alright?” Chimney takes her nervous face in both his hands, wiping away a lone tear that’s slipped down her cheek with one of his thumbs. “It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna figure it out together.” He smiles proudly, albeit with a hint of sorrow for all they’d lost. “This _is_ special. So special. We’re gonna have another baby!” He smiles wider than before, “and sure, it _is_ soon, I’m not gonna lie, and maybe it’s not what we would have planned… hell it’s NEVER been what we _planned_ ,” they both exhale a small laugh at that, “but maybe it’s a good thing it happened this way. Takes the pressure off, right?” He’s got tears in his own eyes now, beaming with the love he already has for this new little person growing inside of the woman he adores. “It’s gonna be fine. I promise you Maddie, it’s gonna be more than fine.”

Maddie wants to laugh. Of _course_ Chimney wouldn’t be upset. Of course this amazing man in front of her would embrace their circumstances with arms open wide, and welcome this new baby just as he had the last two. She was silly to think he’d react any other way. Chimney drops his hands down to her almost flat stomach, her post-partum baby bump still slightly swollen from before. “I am always gonna be on board with you. Whatever you need. No matter what, okay? I’ll always be here for you.” 

“We’ll always be here for each other,” she amends, the same way she always does with him and with her brother, the two men who mean the most to her in the world.

“Daa Daaa!” A sudden yell from the other room breaks their momentary connection.

“We should probably get back to 'Melia huh? Surprised she isn’t screaming her little head off from being left alone in the playpen so long.”

Maddie agrees, and meets Chimney’s lips halfway as he leans in for a much welcomed kiss, forever grateful that she ended up with a man as kind, caring, and wonderful as him. “You’re the most amazing dad” she gushes as their lips unwind. “Amelia and I are so incredibly lucky to have you in our lives.” Maddie pauses for a second, contemplating her next words, making sure she’s ready to say it out loud before she does. “I’m happy,” she ultimately admits with a smile that finally reaches her eyes.

Chimney smiles back in stride. “Me too. Really happy.” 

“Daaaaaa Daaaaaaaaaaaa!! Want Ewlsaaa noooow… pweeeeze,” they hear once again, causing them both to stifle a laugh at the cuteness in the other room demanding all of their undivided attention.

“Coming Melly Belly,” Maddie answers reaching out to grab Chim’s hand once more and giving it a tight squeeze in a silent act of solidarity. Hands locked, she pulls him with her around the corner of the living room, entering to find their bright eyed, giggling little girl jumping up and down in her playpen, just where Chimney had left her moments before.

“Maamaaa!” Amelia shrieks with laughter, arms held high above her head when she sees her mother as if she hasn’t seen her in days. Maddie picks her daughter up, laughing when the toddler plants a big, wet, open mouthed kiss to the side of her cheek, taking the opportunity to nuzzle her little button nose with her own before she pulls back. She sighs, her daughters smile never fails to make things better, melting her heart every single time she sees it. She looks over at Chimney who is watching the two of them adoringly from across the room, and then back at the happy bundle of joy in her arms. She loves her beautiful little family more than words.

Maddie presses a warm hand to her expecting belly. _Yeah_ , she thinks. Things are going to be just fine. 


End file.
